How to talk about fantasies with your partner: the yes, maybe, no method

There's that scenario that crosses your mind, that desire you've never put into words, that idea that makes you smile to yourself. And then there's reality: saying it out loud, to the very person concerned. Learning how to talk about fantasies with your partner happens somewhere between the two, and it usually takes nothing more than a simple method and a good deal of kindness.

Why talking about fantasies with your partner feels so hard

If the subject makes you nervous, you're in good company: most couples feel the same. The same obstacles come up again and again:

• Fear of judgement: what if your partner finds it strange, or starts to see you differently?
• Fear of hurting them: does having a new desire mean something is missing?
• Fear of the slippery slope: once it's said, will you be expected to act on it?
• No words for it: between clinical vocabulary and language that's far too crude, there's little room to talk about it simply.

All of these fears have something in common: they shrink dramatically once the conversation has a framework. That's the whole point of the method below.

The yes, maybe, no method

The idea is simple. Rather than launching into a big confession, you each answer the same list of desires on your own, with three possible answers:

• Yes: I'm genuinely tempted.
• Maybe: it intrigues me, under certain conditions, or later.
• No: not for me, and I don't need to explain why.

To try it with pen and paper:

1. Write a list of ideas together, or use a ready-made one.
2. Answer separately, without looking at each other's answers.
3. Compare line by line, stopping only on the desires where nobody said no.
4. Keep the noes to yourselves: they don't need discussing.
5. Pick just one shared desire to start with.

On paper there's one catch: when you compare sheets, it's hard not to notice your partner's noes. That's where a tool that does the sorting for you becomes valuable, because nobody is left exposed on their own: a desire only appears if you share it.

A fantasy is not a to-do list

This is probably the most important rule of all. A fantasy is something you enjoy imagining, not necessarily something you want to live. Some desires are best kept as stories you whisper to each other, and that's perfectly fine.

Saying yes to a desire commits you to nothing, tonight or later. Even a shared desire can stay in the realm of imagination, or wait for the right moment. And a confession should never become leverage: “you said you liked the idea” isn't an invitation, it's pressure.

Desires change over time, too. Today's no can be next year's maybe, and the other way round. Repeating the exercise every so often is a healthy habit for any couple.

Opening lines to start the conversation

Not sure how to begin? Choose a calm moment, away from the bedroom, and keep your opening light. A few lines to adapt:

• “I read something about couples sharing their fantasies. Would you ever want to try that, just to see?”
• “Is there something you've always been curious about but never mentioned? I'll go first if you like.”
• “I had a daydream about us the other day. Want to hear it?”
• “There's a little test where we each answer in secret and only see what we both like. Shall we try it?”

When your partner shares something, your first reaction counts more than anything else. Thank them, ask a question, show curiosity. Laughing or looking shocked, even for a second, can close the door for a long time. If you'd like softer ground to start on, our intimate questions for couples make a good warm-up.

What to do with a “maybe”

The maybe is the most interesting answer of all. It isn't a postponed yes or a polite no: it's a door left ajar, to be pushed open together, gently.

• Ask what would tip the balance: a clear framework, a moment you choose together, the certainty that you can stop at any time?
• Break the desire into small steps: role play can begin with meeting at a bar and pretending to be strangers, with nothing else planned. Our couples role play ideas offer plenty of gentle scenarios.
• Set clear limits before trying anything, and agree on a word that stops everything.
• Give it time: a desire that ripens for a few weeks is often better than one that's rushed.

To set that framework, our guide to consent and safe words gives practical pointers, from choosing a safe word to agreeing on a discreet signal.

Fantasy ideas to get the conversation going

To help you put desires into words, here are a few suggestions, hinted at rather than spelled out. These are the families of fantasies that come up most often:

• Small rituals: an unexpected wake-up, a candlelit bath, a whole night with phones switched off.
• Role play: two strangers meeting, a character to step into, an outfit that changes everything.
• Unusual places: a hotel room booked on a whim, a room in your home that hasn't seen anything yet, a surprise weekend planned by your partner.
• Blindfolds and sensations: being blindfolded during caresses, the hot and cold of an ice cube, a feather, a slow massage with warm oil.
• Soft power play: leading the game for a whole evening, or being led, wrists loosely tied with a silk scarf.
• Being seen: a striptease just for your partner, a well-placed mirror, the thrill of perhaps being overheard.
• Other people: for curious couples, a game with another couple, or an evening at a swingers' club, just to watch.

Each family includes very gentle desires and bolder ones. You decide how far you want to go: there's no need to explore everything.

The fantasy test for two: how Shared fantasies works

The Shared fantasies game applies the yes, maybe, no method and does the sorting for you:

• around fifty desires, grouped by theme: atmosphere, sensations, role play, power play, looks, pleasures, and desires involving others if you tick that option
• you first choose the maximum intensity, so you only see desires that suit you
• each of you answers yes, maybe or no, in secret
• at the reveal, only what you have in common appears: Shared desires, where you both said yes, and To explore together, with at least one maybe and not a single no

A no never appears, and nobody knows who hesitated. Some desires come in pairs, like leading and being led: they show up when one of you wants the first and the other wants the second.

There are two ways to play:

• On one phone: each of you answers in turn while the other looks away. Nothing is sent or stored.
• Each on your own phone: you create a duo, and your partner joins with the code, the QR code or the link, even from a distance. Answers stay on the server for six hours at most, are never shown to the other person, and either of you can erase them when you leave.

After the test: from words to desires

Once your shared desires are revealed, don't rush. Pick one, the gentlest or the one that makes you both smile, and talk about it calmly: “I didn't expect that one. Shall we talk about it?” Ask your partner what they picture, how, where, and let the conversation find its own way.

You can then turn your shared desires into a game of progressive dares for two, or keep the conversation going with truth or dare questions for adults. And if you're the one who has to suggest the test, our guide on how to suggest a naughty game gives you a few lines to get started.